Lev Lazinskiy

The Girl With Snot in her Nose. - part one.

To be honest with you, I am kind of making this up as we go along, but here goes nothing.

I remember my mother used to always tell me to wipe my nose with my sleeve so that I will still be able to shake hands with people that I love. I never really listened to her. I believed that I should be able to wipe my nose with whatever item that I choose fit. After all I was 10 years old and I knew everything, right?

One day I met a girl in a class of mine. Her name we will say was Susan. Susan was a charming young woman from the southern part of the country. She believe in God and was a active person. She had a lot of vices, like all of us, but one of her most prominent features was that she always sneezed without covering her mouth. The particles of disease and mucus would fly all over the room and gracefully shower all those that were near and dear to her.

She did this all of her life without consequences. Until today of course. Today was a day that changed history forever and Susan finally found out the reason why we cover our mouth when we sneeze. It may not be for the reasons that you all may think. I am sure that by now you are dying to hear what happened so I am going to fill you in on a little secret.

Let us set the stage. Picture a small group of people sitting in a classroom learning how to bake a pie. The class was a mandatory class that we all had to take after we got our license suspended for driving through the Hardee’s window without paying for our meal. The judge thought that a good method of compensation that would benefit the whole community would be to bake pies for the annual spring festival and donate them to the needy folks of the community.

The class was going to last us six months. By the end of this time period we were supposed to be able to bake a pie with our hands tied behind our backs, blindfolded, while playing the trombone. Yes, it was that serious. As the months went by we became expert pie makers and all was well, or so we thought.

This fateful day Susan was just putting the finishing touches on her famous cherry pie when the inevitable happened. She sneezed right inside the cherry filling and not only was there a clear and cool mist that came out with her sneeze, a thick piece of green and yellow snot landed right in the middle of the pie and mixed in with the cherry filling to create a beautiful orange, violet goo.

Susan knew the consequences of not finishing a pie, so she decided not to tell anyone about this. She simply laughed, wiped her hands, and continued to lay the crust. If the instructor ever found out about the fact that Susan sneezed into the pie, then she would be kicked out of the class and be forced to pick weeds from the front lawn of the Mayors house. Trust me, no one wants to do that.

She continued to make the pie, and everything was alright. After she was done laying the finishing touches she put the pie into the oven at three hundred and fifty degrees for thirty minutes, and began to work on the next one.

We had a huge order, over 1000 pies to make and little time to do it in. With only days left until the spring festival we had no time to lose. Mistakes could not be made, and we had to make it through.

Shortly after this incident Susan went about her daily business and didn’t give the pie much thought. But little did she know that she had started something terrible and inside the oven along with the cherry filling and graham cracker pie crust, something was brewing that would turn out to be the fall of civilization as we know it.